| It's been awile. |
[09 Mar 2006|10:22am] |
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Well, it's almost been ten months and me and my girlfriend have yelled, screamed, pushed, shoved, and well you get the idea throughout this relationship. We made it through the hard times, and now an even harder time is coming. She's moving, even further away from me. I've bused before for people, long distances, so i know i'll get over it soon enough. We arn't going to have time for each other. Sometimes I want to just break things off and push myself away from her, kick as hard as i can in the water and just burst to the surface where there is no distance to be traveled, and there is no expectations to meet. Yet, I do these things because i need to, i love her. The loving moments she has shared with me is worth a million miles.
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| open mako eyes |
[27 Dec 2005|04:10pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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well for once things are looking up, im actually glad to go to work knowing im making more then 6.50 an hour and i know im doing very well at what i do. even if all i do is cashier, load, and pull carts. i'm good damn it, and thats all that matters. going to work, and doing your best, i do my best for me though. i dont work hard for the company, i work hard for myself. knowing that its only benefiting me by pulling two load trucks apose to one. one - working more muscles two - more work done faster. i just checked my schedual with one of the people in charge and they said i have off new years eve, AND NEW YEARS. thats so great, because now i can get waisted as fuck and not have to worry about waking up early the next day to be to work. last night was amazing.
NOTE GOOD TIME:
MOVIE - THE SHINING ( turned heathers couch in front of her tv. layed togther )
NOTE COMPLIMENTS FROM WORK:
ARE YOU TRYING TO LOOSE WIEGHT? BECAUSE YOUR RUNNING AROUND ALL OVER THE PLACE OUT THERE.
I WAS GPING TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT YOU, YOUR SERIOUS OUT THERE.
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| bad vs. evil |
[22 Dec 2005|01:15pm] |
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mood |
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somewhat accomplished |
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woke up, had pop tarts, went to work
good day. passed both of the tests i failed. im proud of myself.
i know i failed the cashier test by five so far. have to finish to see how many more questions there are.
then the re-test.
my bike gets a flat. who would have thought. thats another situation i have to handle.
life is hitting me with all its punches right now.
work. relationship. and self ambition and motivation.
all i can do is sit there and hold up my hands until i can aford a pair of gloves.
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| Turn Around. |
[19 Dec 2005|07:56am] |
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mood |
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amused |
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today I woke up around 7:30, and i was the one to wake my dad up apose to him waking me up. spite the fact he was late for work and my brothers missed the bus, im not late for work, and i didn't miss my bus. i wanted to get online and post to remind me i can wake up on my own if i really want to.
dream last night: this mysterious girl hoped into the car with me and my mom while were parked in a mcdonalds parking lot and sat on my lap and just told my mom to drive. she had dark hair and gauges, and just started talking to me. my mom was completely thrown off gaurd and was kinda scared. me on the other hand, i thought. " this bitch... has some nerve to hop in a strangers car and just say drive and start a conversation " and i said " so im on my way to work " and then i asked her what sizes her gauges were, and she said 5/8ths.
then i woke up...
no idea, but the idea of someone i dont know, just doing that bold shit... kinda made me hott.
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| Storm |
[16 Dec 2005|10:37am] |
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mood |
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 alive |
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I step into the shower wanting all of my problems to wash off of my shoulders and down into the drain. the shampoo / conditioner hits my hair, and i lather and breath the steam into my lungs. i exhail as the dirt washes from my head off of my shoulders, down my flesh towards the tubs surface. it then snakes its way down the drain to the pipes to find its way back to the earth. then the soap, hits my body and lathers up all of the bad, in one rinse the preasure hits my body and sprays all that holds me down off of me, i feel free now. under the hot water, i feel like a fish flopping back into the ocean, or lake. i turn the water off now and feel a certain form of release. i dry myself, then i get dressed.
How will today begin? Heather will come. Will she give me shit? Will she roll with it?
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| who would have thought. |
[16 Dec 2005|10:14am] |
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mood |
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 pissed at her |
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well heather called me this morning, and i was talking on the phone with her for alittle bit. whats she say when i hang up after telling her i love her? " uh huh " right. note to self. your girlfriends a fucking bitch, stop trying to make things work.
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| somewhere in the middle. |
[15 Dec 2005|08:29pm] |
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mood |
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 artistic |
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where i am right now in my life, and what needs to get done. well i am not content with myself right now, not at all. as much as i dont want to admit it, i am a failure. i will change that though, step one of overcoming your faults are admitting to your defeats. and yes, reality has one up on me. i dont want to go from house to house again until i can live off of someone else. i want to stay right here, in this broken home and work. i want to work my lazy ass off at LOWES and save my money. i will how ever spend some of my earning on new clothing because i need it, but i will not go crazy. i will not let money burn a hole in my pocket this time. not again. i want to remind myself how waistful i am, with money. what do i have to show for the money ive spent? hardly anything at all. i need to start saving for my own place. note: i should have started saving a long time ago. but, the should have, would have, could have, isn't. so, im going to start saving now. no one will stop me, there is no " Great Escape " there is no " Better " only worse. I will not allow myself to hit the bottom of the barrel again, spite how much i enjoy the darkness. i will see light, and i will smile.
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| zodiac |
[29 Nov 2005|12:55am] |
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i think water is my element of escape, when ever im in the hot shower, i feel free from everything, i can see, i can feel. everthing in those moments that i see, that i feel. are like no other moments i have had, well other then sex. dont get me wrong, sex is amazing, well more less making love. sex is boring to me, but the art of making love, priceless. but you dont have to please the showerhead, you dont have to smile, you dont have to think, or whisper. just indulge.
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| a new begining |
[24 Nov 2005|03:48am] |
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mood |
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 where is my mind? |
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music |
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yellowcard - empty apartment |
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welcome to the first post of a new layout. i do post for myself, but mostly for the people who read it. most journals are personal, but mine i would write the most fucked up of my thoughts and leave it in a church. i dont even go to church, but i would the day i " lost " it there. just to know the next time i went it was found, taken home, and sifted through, by one of the people there. after a few pages, im sure they would get drawn in, sifting through page after page of mind fuck. i dont think they would want to return it to the owner, knowing they would have to look this sick man " being me " in the eyes. you know you read it, id know you youve read, and " god " would know youve read it. so there some random every sunday going churcher would stand face to face with me after asking if anyone had lost a journal the sunday before. and i would grab it with a smile and say thank you only to leave it the next week, in a different church. i dont know, i think about cause and effect, alot. i think peoples thoughts are the most interesting to read, thats why when someone bitches, i listen, because i know its what they really think.
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| Me, Work? |
[23 Nov 2005|01:02am] |
Subway - 6.50 an hour
Lowes - 9.50 an hour
Warehouse - 11.50 an hour
I think im going to go with the warehouse, damn this cold weather, i guess we'll see what happens as far as me getting a job goes. i want to have a life again.
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| TIME |
[30 Oct 2005|07:20pm] |
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time is like a game of freeze-tag, because when you get tagged your frozen in that moment, like time itself is your and yours alone, because of the person who tug you. even if they are chasing someone else to try to give them what they just gave you, you know that someone will tag you again, and then you run as well, away form the time you know you didnt lose because it stood still. anyway, right now i feel like im running, and my girlfriends friend is frozen in the time she is giving him right now. but i turn around to see shes not chasing after me at all. shes just waiting for me to untag her friend, because she doesnt want to risk losing the person she just froze to me. ah well jealousy woes boo fuckin hoo, he hardly gets any time with her, so i gotta let it go.
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| Halloween Party! |
[30 Oct 2005|04:48pm] |
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halloween party at my girlfriends house was a blast. plenty of people showed up, not everyone we invited but oh well not my loss. more liquer for me. anyway, i was " dr. phil-good " the gothic doctor. my girlfriend dyed my hair black again, so it looked really good for the party. painted my nails black, along with black eye-liner, ugh. i didn't mind though i felt pretty, for once. i might be able to post some pictures in here if im aloud to borrow the camera and the upload plug. i still need some new friends on this livejournal thing.
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| High Hopes |
[23 Oct 2005|02:30am] |
 I Guess This Is Growing Up
downloaded alot of eminem music today, after i got home from my girlfriends house. watched the dave chappelle special, he is one of my favorites so i was crackin up the hole time. he'll say anything, and his voice is hillarious. me and my girlfriend got matching halloween costumes for a halloween party we're having. shes a naughty nurse, and im a... i dont know, a doctor from a porno? who knows, haha anyway should be pretty kool. i was going to take her by suprise and shave my head and dye it blonde, and toss on some baggy clothes and show up with a mic and say im eminem. but im not sure if i want to or not, i might, still undecided. It would be pretty funny, but then after halloween passes i might miss my long emo hair. haha, well... im going to head to bed in alittle, tommorow morning i go to my girlfriends house, hopefully me and her are on good terms soon, we arnt on the best now. so... high hopes
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| Abandoned |
[20 Oct 2005|01:30am] |
I JUST TYPED UP THIS HUGE FUCKING ENTRY AND IT FUCKED UP AND I LOST IT
WHY I DONT UPDATE THIS PIECE OF SHIT
I KNOW WHAT I TYPED
" IM SORRY "
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| CHRIST! |
[26 Sep 2005|10:02pm] |
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hardly any fucking sleep, ajusting to work sucks dick
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| The Worlds Allready Fucked |
[26 Sep 2005|08:50am] |
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well, i got a job, took me five months, but i got one. night shift working at acme, the graveyard shift that not many people tend to like... me i like it because i know the people that are working right along side of me are usually just as fucked up as i am. well... maybe not as crazy as i am, i think i had the most scars out of everyone there. i was suprised to see that there was actually a young girl working night shift, not most atractive girl, but still someone of the opposite sex. then there was mark, this kid i havnt seen since 5th grade. funny shit is, im the same hieght, just about, and he got tall as hell. ah well, me and him got alot of shit in common, like anime, and movies. it was kool catching up with him, hes a character, so instead of me entertaining, he was my entertainment, not to mention my ride home. so, that was nice of him, i think hes going to give me a ride home every day, and i'll toss him like ten buks on pay day or somethin. well... enough about my job, it was only the first day, lets see how long i last. i figure if i do keep it, at least i'll have some fuckin money in my pocket. i need some new clothes, and i need some new gages, and lip rings. well, anyway... ive been with my " much older " girlfriend for about 5 months now, and i dont know where we are going, if we are going anywhere at all, all i know is we arnt falling apart, so where we are now, is pretty sturdy, unless someone wrecking balls this bitch, and she crumbles to the ground, thats something im not going to pick up, because her pieces are to heavy.
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| well... |
[05 Aug 2005|05:33pm] |
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im over my friend marcs house right now, first time i have actually chilled with him. first time meeting his family, its pretty kool because i dont have that many friends. i figured i would break my social disorder and start making some new friends. yeah, so im going to the mall tonight, then to heathers. me and her havnt been " deeply in love " lately, but i do love her, i care about her alot, its just im being pulled in so many dirrections, and its not that im allowing this to happen either, because its not exaclty me who wants to be pulled, its someone else, another part of me that cant accept, a part of me that cant move on, a part of me that makes me the me that can never surface from the darkness of his past. like im doomed to repeat this endless cycle, and yet, i do nothing... like wathcing myself die, its tourturus.
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| nightmare |
[31 Jul 2005|10:40pm] |
well i was in the hosptital visiting my allready dead grandmother, this was before she died im guessing but the hospital was set on a place where you could walk through time into the past to visit the dead, so they rebuilt the hospital thinking all that died in the hospital or soon before or after leaving there, or even people of this town would find thier way back to the hospital to contact their family, well we had got a call that our grandmother wanted someone to to visit her, and we said shes allready dead, and they explained, so me my mom and my little brother tommy went, of coarse kevin was scared, and my other grandmother and my aunt and my cousen had allready been there to see her, so we went, but while we were in there i had this wierd vibe, this very wierd vibe that something wasnt quite right. so while my mom was talking to my grandmother on the bed, my little brother had ventured off somewheres to go to the bathroom i guess, so i went to look for him, the hallways of the hospital were foggy, and thick, but i figured as much for a place that was being haunted and tampered with. yet if you were related to someone that was there and trying to contact you, you were aloud in as long as you signed this long paper that im sure no one read anyway, i know i didnt. well i passed this room and theres this woman that sat in a bed, and she was angry no one was coming, and there was this man who looked like a theropist in there with her, i guess a ghost theropist, why not? and he was trying to calm her down, so there was all these rooms, with allready dead people in them, and they were filling up fast, and my guess was the rules of the " netherworld " was that it was one ghost per room and when all of them got full on the other side well... ghosts started getting angry, some visitor got possesed and the human mind just went insane, and rapid and she attacked one of the people in charge, and started biting him and pulling his hair, and she just wouldnt stop beating him. chaos broke lose, i grabbed my brother tommy and shut the door and slid some dresser in front of it, my aunt had allready brought all this shit my grandmother asked her to bring to her room, like old furnitur from her old house. anyway... i start explaining to my mom and my grandmother wants to talk to me, and she says to me " all you need... is your socks and your shoes bobby " and she grabbed my hand it it was so cold, and she just looked at me and closed her eyes, i think she wanted to go then but i think if she knew she went someone else would get in. the screaming started, and my mom picked up the phone and said " what the hell " when i picked it up all you could hear was voices, angry pissed off voices.. and then i slammed it and told her not to pick that up again, and the door started to shake and rattle, people were dying that was for sure, who knows what the hell was happening out there. i slid more shit in front of the door and looked out the window, people were running out of the exit below, note i say below because we were about two storys up. i looked to the door, and the doors open, my eyes widen and i looked to my mom, tommy was gone. " WHERE IS HE!? WHAT THE FUCK!? " and she said he had to go to the bathroom and to go get him. i ran and grabbed him, the walls were all scratched and broken, the halls empty now, the rooms of the doors all open, no visitors, i was cautious, i didnt see any ghosts now... i only heard silence, and a few voices, i spotted him and grabbed him and ran back to the room and put him in there, then walked down the hall. i seen this man walking and i said " hey... HEY... " and he just looked up towards me like he was in shock so i was like fuck that.. and i ran into the room and shut the door thinking help would come. i pushed the shit back in front of the door, and looked at my mom " dont ever fucking do that again dont you get it! something fucked up, now everythings wrong, people are dying " and she didnt seem to care really, she just sat there and smoked her ciggerettes. i wasnt about to die in some fucking hospital, and i wasnt about to let my brother die either, so i was thinking of a way to maybe put something together to get out of the window, or maybe open the door and write something on there saying that there was people in here that needed help. but i couldnt find anything, just then i look up and shit is being slammed through the door. and i pushed my hands against it, and this metal rod pierced through my hand and i screamed, the people on the other side seen the blood and yelled " humans inside! " so they kicked open the door, and they were like " ghost busters " i guess youd say but there was only about four of them right away i thought they were going to all fucking die within like ten minutes. so this one guy pulls me away from my mom and my dad and he was like " those guys are going out through the front, im going out through the back, come on. " so we run up these steps that seem endless, and im like " why are we going up!? " and hes like " in order to go down, we have to go up first " and im allmost to the top and my shoe falls off and clanks all the way down, and im like SHIT! but then i couldnt go on with just one shoe on, and i wasnt going to go all the way back down there, so i kicked my other shoe off and bolted down the steps, and as im running downward i remember " all you need is your socks and your shoes " i reach the bottom... and all this broken glass... im like " what the fuck... " so i just bare it and run through it screaming, while this guys fucking gunning down all these spirits, and i get out and theres this huge crowd, and im like " wheres my mom and tommy?! and i see my mom, and i ask her where tommy is, and she says hes out here somewheres she guessed, and i was like " you guess?! " then i turn and i see jamie in the window of the building. and im like " JAMIE!!! " and hes like " YOOOOO " and the building just collapses, well the top did anyway, right onto him. and the building turned green and black. and this guy was like " fuckk.... " and i was like " what " and he was like " the upper level is what held all the evil spirits back... " and i was like " thats great, just then all there little machines went off the charts and this screen showed jamies outline and he was like " bobby... sshh... bobby " and i was like " JAMIE! JAMIE!... are yuou okay? ...dude are ou allright?! " and hes like " im dead now... we're all dead.. im allright... but do you want to see someone thats not allright... " and the screen goes onto a bed, and the ouline of my little brother tommy sits indianstyle with his arms crossed... and i just fell to my knees and yelled " what the fuck! " and pounded the ground and then
...i woke up
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| NEEDED UPDATE |
[30 Jul 2005|02:44am] |
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well i stayed up all night, then up all day looking for a job. my friend came to my house in the morning after calling me after getting done work around 7:00am and he knew that the bank didnt open untill 9:00am so he needed something to do, and knew his girlfriend was sleeping so he asked me what i wanted to do. i told him i needed to go job hunting today and he offered to come with so i said sure, i wouldnt mind having someone to go with. but then he wanted me to lug him and his heavy ass bookbag on my bike down a highway. like... it is downhill but still hes one to throw in my face how i act like a kid, yet hes quick to hop on handlebars. what the fuck ever, im tired of hypocrits, makes me fucing sick. so after filling out a few applications we walked down to my aunts house, we bumped into my grandmom who said she would take me and him to go get his check chashed after she ate breakfast, so we waited in front of my aunts house untill she was done, then got a ride to the bank and back to the bus stop where he caught the bus, but before he went back to burlington where he lives i told him to call me when he came back from burlington when he got in mount holly to see his girlfriend. i rode my bike home, and i stayed up for as long as i could, i hung out with a few good friends, and then i came home and i crashed around 6:30pm. then i guess people were calling me from 6 - 12 trying to get ahold of me and i was asleep. i wasnt going to wake up because i wanted to sleep until early morning, but i doubt that will fucking happen now. so jamie comes and taps on my window at 12, the friend who was walking around with me, and he tells me to get up. my mom and dad start yelling at me because its late, and all this other bullshit, and then i told him i was going back to bed and i have nothing to do tonight thats why i slept and didnt take any calls. now he cant get back to burlington because theres no buses until in the morning, he calls me and he's like " well its your fault " im like " no, actually it isnt my fault, you knew that you couldnt get ahold of me and it was nearing the last few buses, you should have said well if i cant get ahold of him, he must be asleep, and maybe i should catch one of the last buses home, and not fucking stay at my girlfriends untill 11 because i can, and miss the last bus. "
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| Like Toy Soldiers |
[23 Jul 2005|12:30pm] |
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last night was a very odd night now that i think about it, me and heather broke things off, and later that night jamie and shane showed up at my house. funny thing is they both walked here, and they both showed up at the same exact time. now i didnt think about it until now, but we walked back to shanes house because thats where his car was, and me jamie and shane, all walked a lonely road together. those people will always be there for me, as i will always be there for them. the three of us alone i dont think could survive if one didnt have the other. the relationship i was in, i learned alot, i absorbed so much information, attention, and memories from this experiance, i wont by dry in a long time. i will remember every moment ive spent with her until they dry... my mind will slowly start to let things slip as it has done so before with memories from past relationships. when they are gone as the rest are, one will remain... only one... need i remind you i have about ten of these " only ones " im still alittle drunk from last night, i guess im not used to that much vodka. i got to see someone i havnt seen in a long time, kelly. her and her boyfriend have been together for longer then i can remember... me and my friend jamie went there later last night about two am and then we got fucked up on vodka and he pushed me in the pool, then dove in himself, haha. anyway, good times i guess, i think somethings happening to me. my lust for pain through pleasure has gotten out of hand.. anyway... it will take its toll when scars overlap, but i want a galexy on my arm, and every scar is a star so let me begin with the outlaw star that is myself. heh... thats kinda to deep for people to understand, haha, but im sure someone understands it. well back to square one, i like this square, theres no bitching, and i get to step forward, backwards, left, or right, haha... ah... so many people out there..., only whats a man to do? ya know?
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